150 Funny Jokes for Anyone

A Quick Note on Finding Humor Everywhere

Everyone has a different sense of humor. Some people love puns. Others prefer silly questions and answers. I think it’s okay to roll your eyes at a few jokes and laugh out loud at others. The point is to have a good time. Ready for 150 jokes? Here they come.

One-Liners (30)

1. I tried to catch fog yesterday. I mist.
2. My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
3. I ate a clock once. It was time-consuming.
4. A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently, it wasn’t set high enough.
5. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
6. I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.
7. I got hit by the same bike every morning. It’s a vicious cycle.
8. I’m so good at sleeping, I do it with my eyes closed.
9. Why is dark spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t c in the dark.
10. I burned 2,000 calories today. I forgot to take my pizza out of the oven.
11. I told my computer I needed a break. It gave me a KitKat.
12. The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got tense.
13. If tomatoes are fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?
14. My pillow and I have a serious relationship. We’re perfect for each other.
15. Someone told me I was average. That was just mean.
16. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
17. I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
18. Don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
19. I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We still haven’t got a gig.
20. I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
21. I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
22. I put my grandma on speed dial. I call it Instagram.
23. My friend keeps saying, “Cheer up, it could be worse.” So I cheered up. Sure enough, it got worse.
24. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
25. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine; he woke up.
26. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
27. I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought, “That’s the last thing I need.”
28. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. Then I turned myself around.
29. I wrote a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a wrap.
30. The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.

Q&A Jokes (30)

1. Q: Why did the scarecrow get promoted? A: He was outstanding in his field.
2. Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? A: Nacho cheese.
3. Q: Why did the math book look so sad? A: Because it had so many problems.
4. Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A: A gummy bear.
5. Q: Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it would be a foot.
6. Q: How do celebrities stay cool? A: They have many fans.
7. Q: What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A: A stick.
8. Q: Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? A: In case he got a hole in one.
9. Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying? A: He neverlands.
10. Q: How does a penguin build its house? A: Igloos it together.
11. Q: Why do melons have weddings? A: Because they cantaloupe.
12. Q: What did one wall say to the other wall? A: I’ll meet you at the corner.
13. Q: Why was the baby strawberry crying? A: Because her parents were in a jam.
14. Q: Why did the gym close down? A: It just didn’t work out.
15. Q: What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? A: Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
16. Q: Why don’t skeletons fight each other? A: They don’t have the guts.
17. Q: How do trees access the internet? A: They log in.
18. Q: What do you call sad coffee? A: Despresso.
19. Q: Why did the coach go to the bank? A: To get his quarter back.
20. Q: What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? A: Prime mates.
21. Q: Why did the student eat his homework? A: The teacher said it was a piece of cake.
22. Q: How do you organize a space party? A: You planet.
23. Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? A: It was two tired.
24. Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A: A can’t opener.
25. Q: Why was six afraid of seven? A: Because seven ate nine.
26. Q: How does the ocean say hello? A: It waves.
27. Q: What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A: A satisfactory.
28. Q: Where do sheep go for vacation? A: The Baa-hamas.
29. Q: What do you call a magic dog? A: A labracadabrador.
30. Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: You put a little boogie in it.

Knock-Knock Jokes (20)

1. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it’s cold outside.
2. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Europe. Europe who? Hey, I’m not a poo, you are!
3. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Don’t cry, it’s only a joke.
4. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cow says. Cow says who? No, a cow says moo.
5. Knock, knock. Who’s there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I had no idea you could yodel.
6. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nobel. Nobel who? Nobel… that’s why I knocked.
7. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Tank. Tank who? You’re welcome.
8. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Police. Police who? Police let me in, I forgot my keys.
9. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Anita. Anita who? Anita borrow a pencil.
10. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Leon. Leon who? Leon me when you’re not strong.
11. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Isabell. Isabell who? Isabell working? I’ve been knocking forever.
12. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mary. Mary who? Marry me? I couldn’t resist.
13. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wanda. Wanda who? Wanda go for a walk?
14. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Needle. Needle who? Needle little help opening the door.
15. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? Bless you!
16. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Owl. Owl who? Yes, they do.
17. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Scold. Scold who? Scold outside, let me in.
18. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ash. Ash who? Bless you, do you have a cold?
19. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never mind, it’s pointless.
20. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Spell. Spell who? W-H-O.

kids jokes

Puns (20)

1. My friend was explaining electricity. I was like, “Watts the point?”
2. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
3. When my algebra teacher retired, he wasn’t ready for the aftermath.
4. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
5. I tried to do a pun about wind, but it blew away.
6. I tried to take a photo of some fog. I mist my chance.
7. England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
8. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well, actually it was a wrap.
9. Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing Windows.
10. Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.
11. I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
12. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
13. Is there a hole in your shoe? No? Then how’d you get your foot in it?
14. I once had a job at a bakery, but I just couldn’t make enough dough.
15. My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
16. At the supermarket, the cashier told me, “Strip down, facing me.” She meant my debit card.
17. I was going to tell a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t like it.
18. Changing a light bulb is really enlightening.
19. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
20. I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Random Observations (30)

1. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it considered successful?
2. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
3. If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
4. I told my suitcase we wouldn’t be going on vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
5. A balanced diet means holding a cupcake in each hand, right?
6. If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
7. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it finally dawned on me (I know, repeated concept, but still funny).
8. I wonder if caterpillars call themselves “hairy bugs” before they become butterflies.
9. If nothing is impossible, then isn’t it possible for something to be impossible?
10. If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?
11. Why is it that you drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just haven’t developed it.
13. Clones are people two.
14. If tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie? (Yes, it’s repeated, but it still cracks me up.)
15. Borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
16. I find it odd that ketchup can be both fancy and “plain old.”
17. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.
18. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
19. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
20. Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
21. How do they get “Keep off the grass” signs on the grass?
22. I’m at that age where my mind says, “Yes, you can,” but my body says, “Oh, no you don’t.”
23. I thought I was indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
24. We’re born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
25. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
26. I once tried to drown my fears, but they learned how to swim.
27. I have a drinking problem: I keep missing my mouth.
28. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the difficulty in reaching it.
29. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
30. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

More Quips (20)

1. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
2. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
3. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
4. I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She said that newspapers are old school. She handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.
5. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
6. My friend keeps missing classes. He’s one absent-minded professor.
7. I was reading a book on helium. I couldn’t put it down.
8. I wondered why music was coming from my printer. Apparently, the paper was jamming.
9. If the pen is mightier than the sword, why do actions speak louder than words?
10. I once told a chemistry joke. There was no reaction.
11. I tried wearing tight jeans, but it was a squeeze.
12. I love pressing F5. It’s so refreshing.
13. Two mind-readers got married. They knew what the other was thinking, but they still argued.
14. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they take everything literally.
15. Sometimes I talk to myself, but at least I know someone’s listening.
16. My phone told me to be more positive today, so I held it upside down.
17. I got a job at a paperless office. Everything was great until I needed the bathroom.
18. I saw a sign that said “Watch for children.” I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
19. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
20. When someone says they slept like a baby, it means they woke up crying every two hours.

Wrapping It Up

That’s all 150. Some might be your style, some might make you roll your eyes. But if even one made you chuckle, that’s a success. Thanks for reading, and feel free to share these with anyone who needs a quick laugh. Life can be stressful, and sometimes a little silliness helps. Enjoy the rest of your day.